楚鱼

I need to start reflecting on my life. Not that I haven't been thinking, but rather I haven't been thinking about the - for the lack of a better word - "right" things. For the past few months, I have just been so obsessed with choosing a major and doing so in relation to future. What I really need to do now, is to start thinking about present.

I received Peixin's weekly email today, in which she wrote this - "I have been here [NYU] for a few months and was wondering if the whole 'intellectual and stimulating discussion in college/university' thing is but an imagined reality". That's what started my thinking today. Since I got to Rice, I have not experienced any cultural shock, be it positive or negative, or any kind. It's not just because I've heard so much about Rice and America's liberal arts education / American way of living that nothing comes as unexpected. There's definitely more to it but I cannot seem to be able to articulate properly.

What was I expecting before I came to the US? Quite a lot, I guess. Am I taking advantage of the things I dearly expected and which are readily available to me? Probably not.

I was looking forward to a liberal arts education in which I can take ANY classes that interest me and experiment with my majors for two full years because I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my life. I gave up applying to the UK not merely for financial concerns but also because I didn't want to get myself stuck in a major and then in a career that I would not be passionate about. But here I am, actually in a liberal arts institution, but what am I feeling now? Insecurity and anxiety. This whole 'need not to choose a major till end of sophomore' thing is, in fact, freaking me out. Not knowing where I am going freaks me out. Just take a look at the courses I registered for next semester, other than German, what looks like a fun and exploratory course? With the exception of German, every single course I've registered, I did so with a practical reason. I'd really love to try out Psychology and Linguistics and possibly major in one of them if not for the practical consideration that the career paths are really limited.

I feel myself constantly being stretched by reality and ideology. Sad to say, reality almost always wins. Sometimes the things I'm doing perhaps serve both my practicality and ideology, for example joining Rice Consulting Club. But without exception, I'd always unconsciously "denigrate" those choices as another triumph of the former. There is nothing wrong with being practical I guess but I have no idea why I get so uncomfortable with myself behaving practically (perceived as practically).

What else was I expecting? Spontaneity. I have always wanted that in life, the kind of randomness whereby you feel like eating ice cream in the mid of the night and there you go taking a cab immediately downtown heading to your favorite ice cream shop (credits to Fengping), you feel like traveling and 10min later you are on a plane, you feel like having an archery club on campus and the next day you submit a proposal to the administration. But what I'm doing in actuality? I feel like relaxing - hanging out with friends or going to a party or watching a movie - and I tell myself, hey, you've got this assignment and that project, it's expensive to do so and so.

I think I've been here before, the lack of passion and motivation to do anything but work (which doesn't require any passion or motivation, my discipline does the trick). It happened before when I was in Singapore and I called it aging. In Singapore, I often reminiscenced (I know it's a noun) my times in China when I still had the drive to do lots of things - prepare for three Olympiad at the same time, organize the class for school competitions, dance 10 hours a day and exclaim to hell with school work. I was happy and contented and never thought about what was to come in future. (Seriously, I wonder why I never had to think about the future then.) I was daring and sometimes audacious even. Most importantly, I was comfortable with myself, and with everything I was doing.

I guess that's what's getting on my nerve. I can't feel comfortable with myself. But It's not about changing myself and becoming one of the Americans, to address your question, Chow, if you will ever come across this post. It's not. I can't articulate what it is, but it's not about becoming American in the US or Singaporean in Singapore.

As I grow up, I have lost some qualities near and dear to my heart and I want to find them back. But because I'm older, I'm no longer able to go all the way out to find them. I'm a little stuck maybe.

人生真的很纠结。
越长大越不能为现在的自己生活。每天睁眼闭眼，开始考虑的事情都是和明天有关。

勇敢的放弃，勇敢的追求，即便是不顾后果。这就是现在对自己的奢望。
真的是奢望，因为我的性格就是学不会当下行乐。

人在这些时候就会开始翻弄已经遗忘的日记本。仿佛自己被全世界遗忘时。与牵挂的人互不来往却不知道该不该心安理得时。被无聊磨砺到已经不能忍受听歌看书看电影时。在家坐不住却又懒得出门时。

就好像现在的我，有闲情会来这逛一逛。

在QQ上写下了这个 “就是个没心没肺的自私的臭屁孩” 我也知道自己脾气性格不好 可是撮说：“你终于意识到你的本质了。” 难道我本质就是这样吗 真令人失望

终于，生病已经一个月了。 吃咳嗽药吃到不需要用勺子，闭者眼睛倒头一仰就是7.5ml。 还好，咳嗽慢慢的已经有了起色(我希望是) 最郁闷的是，这两天突然开始腰酸背痛，准确的说是背痛。 在左边肩胛骨的右下方。很尖锐的刺痛。 来得没有道理。 因为各种各样的原因，我基本上是睡过了这个星期所有的课。 星期三还请了假在家里睡觉。 今天在车上也是，一直都睡觉。 我想医生一不小心给了我安眠药，而且是无比强效的那种。 这两天我明明都忘记吃药了，可还是一直睡意蒙胧的。 万恶的睡意呀。