I need to start reflecting on my life. Not that I haven't been thinking, but rather I haven't been thinking about the - for the lack of a better word - "right" things. For the past few months, I have just been so obsessed with choosing a major and doing so in relation to future. What I really need to do now, is to start thinking about present.

I received Peixin's weekly email today, in which she wrote this - "I have been here [NYU] for a few months and was wondering if the whole 'intellectual and stimulating discussion in college/university' thing is but an imagined reality". That's what started my thinking today. Since I got to Rice, I have not experienced any cultural shock, be it positive or negative, or any kind. It's not just because I've heard so much about Rice and America's liberal arts education / American way of living that nothing comes as unexpected. There's definitely more to it but I cannot seem to be able to articulate properly.

What was I expecting before I came to the US? Quite a lot, I guess. Am I taking advantage of the things I dearly expected and which are readily available to me? Probably not.

I was looking forward to a liberal arts education in which I can take ANY classes that interest me and experiment with my majors for two full years because I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my life. I gave up applying to the UK not merely for financial concerns but also because I didn't want to get myself stuck in a major and then in a career that I would not be passionate about. But here I am, actually in a liberal arts institution, but what am I feeling now? Insecurity and anxiety. This whole 'need not to choose a major till end of sophomore' thing is, in fact, freaking me out. Not knowing where I am going freaks me out. Just take a look at the courses I registered for next semester, other than German, what looks like a fun and exploratory course? With the exception of German, every single course I've registered, I did so with a practical reason. I'd really love to try out Psychology and Linguistics and possibly major in one of them if not for the practical consideration that the career paths are really limited.

I feel myself constantly being stretched by reality and ideology. Sad to say, reality almost always wins. Sometimes the things I'm doing perhaps serve both my practicality and ideology, for example joining Rice Consulting Club. But without exception, I'd always unconsciously "denigrate" those choices as another triumph of the former. There is nothing wrong with being practical I guess but I have no idea why I get so uncomfortable with myself behaving practically (perceived as practically).

What else was I expecting? Spontaneity. I have always wanted that in life, the kind of randomness whereby you feel like eating ice cream in the mid of the night and there you go taking a cab immediately downtown heading to your favorite ice cream shop (credits to Fengping), you feel like traveling and 10min later you are on a plane, you feel like having an archery club on campus and the next day you submit a proposal to the administration. But what I'm doing in actuality? I feel like relaxing - hanging out with friends or going to a party or watching a movie - and I tell myself, hey, you've got this assignment and that project, it's expensive to do so and so.

I think I've been here before, the lack of passion and motivation to do anything but work (which doesn't require any passion or motivation, my discipline does the trick). It happened before when I was in Singapore and I called it aging. In Singapore, I often reminiscenced (I know it's a noun) my times in China when I still had the drive to do lots of things - prepare for three Olympiad at the same time, organize the class for school competitions, dance 10 hours a day and exclaim to hell with school work. I was happy and contented and never thought about what was to come in future. (Seriously, I wonder why I never had to think about the future then.) I was daring and sometimes audacious even. Most importantly, I was comfortable with myself, and with everything I was doing.

I guess that's what's getting on my nerve. I can't feel comfortable with myself. But It's not about changing myself and becoming one of the Americans, to address your question, Chow, if you will ever come across this post. It's not. I can't articulate what it is, but it's not about becoming American in the US or Singaporean in Singapore.

As I grow up, I have lost some qualities near and dear to my heart and I want to find them back. But because I'm older, I'm no longer able to go all the way out to find them. I'm a little stuck maybe.

人生真的很纠结。
越长大越不能为现在的自己生活。每天睁眼闭眼，开始考虑的事情都是和明天有关。

勇敢的放弃，勇敢的追求，即便是不顾后果。这就是现在对自己的奢望。
真的是奢望，因为我的性格就是学不会当下行乐。

人在这些时候就会开始翻弄已经遗忘的日记本。仿佛自己被全世界遗忘时。与牵挂的人互不来往却不知道该不该心安理得时。被无聊磨砺到已经不能忍受听歌看书看电影时。在家坐不住却又懒得出门时。

就好像现在的我，有闲情会来这逛一逛。

在QQ上写下了这个 “就是个没心没肺的自私的臭屁孩” 我也知道自己脾气性格不好 可是撮说：“你终于意识到你的本质了。” 难道我本质就是这样吗 真令人失望

终于，生病已经一个月了。 吃咳嗽药吃到不需要用勺子，闭者眼睛倒头一仰就是7.5ml。 还好，咳嗽慢慢的已经有了起色(我希望是) 最郁闷的是，这两天突然开始腰酸背痛，准确的说是背痛。 在左边肩胛骨的右下方。很尖锐的刺痛。 来得没有道理。 因为各种各样的原因，我基本上是睡过了这个星期所有的课。 星期三还请了假在家里睡觉。 今天在车上也是，一直都睡觉。 我想医生一不小心给了我安眠药，而且是无比强效的那种。 这两天我明明都忘记吃药了，可还是一直睡意蒙胧的。 万恶的睡意呀。

每一个女生的生命里，都有着这样一个男孩子。他不属于爱情，也不是自己的男朋友。可是，在离自己最近的距离内，一定有他的位置。看见漂亮的东西，会忍不住给他看。听到好听的歌，会忍不住从自己的mp3里拷下来给他。看见漂亮的笔记本，也会忍不住买两本另一本给他用。在想哭的时候，第一个会发短信给他。在和男朋友吵架的时候，第一个会找他。尽管不知道什么时候，他会从自己生命里消失掉，成为另一个女孩子的王子，而那个女孩也会因为他变成公主。可是，在他还是呆在离自己最近的距离内的时光里，每一个女孩子，都是在用尽力气，消耗着他和他带来的一切。
每一个女生都是在这样的男孩子身上，变得温柔，美好，体贴。
尽管之后完美的自己，已经和这个男孩子没有关系。
但这样的感情，永远都是超越爱情的存在。
 
那些曾经我们念念不忘的事情，就在我们念念不忘的过程里，被我们遗忘了。
 
我不喜欢说话却每天说最多的话，我不喜欢笑却总笑个不停，身边的每个人都说我的生活好快乐，于是我也就认为自己真的快乐。可是为什么我会在一大群朋友中突然地就沉默，为什么在人群中看到个相似的背影就难过，看见秋天树木疯狂地掉叶子我就忘记了说话，看见天色渐晚路上暖黄色的灯火就忘记了自己原来的方向。

青春是道明媚的忧伤。
 
时间没有等我 是你 忘了带我走

躲在某一时间，想念一段时光的掌纹；躲在某一地点，想念一个站在来路也站在去路的，让我牵挂的人。